Diary of a vampire, entry 7

11/08/07

It seems every night I learn something new about my... condition. Every new moment brings new revelations into my new-found vampirism. Last night was horrific in all it's forms but it brought me new knowledge, new information about a world I could not even have begun to imagine existed.

I slept fully through the day, waking only as the last shreds of sunlight disappeared over the suburban rooftops. I stood hazily, the events of the previous night swimming, somehow distant in my head. Glancing around I felt puzzled at my unfamiliar surroundings. I decided sleepily that looking out the window may give me some anchor from which to focus my thoughts.
  Outside in the twilight an unfamiliar street met my eyes. Rows of terraced houses lined the street, tiny front gardens illuminated by intermittent street lamps, unsure of whether they should be on or off in the fading light. The road was narrow, lined with cars of all shapes and sizes, from the simply practical cars to huge people carriers. There was an overriding feel of grittiness to the scene, cars caked with dried mud, some with windscreens proudly displaying year old muck. This was far from the posh, quietly superior neighbourhood I was used to.  Suddenly a fleeting memory of the previous night flew into focus, I had been running... injured? I subconsciously rubbed my neck, though I felt no pain, more of the hollow memory of pain.
  Suddenly I heard a sound, or simply a change in pitch to a background noise that had somehow always been buzzing just beyond hearing. There were muffled noises of a TV set from downstairs, some voice droning on in a fixed accent, words too distorted to make out. Glancing around I saw a chair with my clothes, cleaned, pressed and laid out in a professional manner.
  A vision of blood pounded through my mind and a deep, subconscious roar was brought forth from my memory. Suddenly my thoughts were clear to me again and I could clearly remember what my own mind had been trying to hide from me. A deep, sickening crack came to the forefront of my mind and I grimaced in pain of the memory. I then knew where I was, and who would be watching the TV downstairs. My thoughts turned to panic. Would he know I was a vampire? Would he question what happened last night? Why had he not insisted I be taken to a hospital? What did he want from me? All these questions buzzed through my mind but one overriding thought crossed above them all: Am I in danger? After a moment I realized that if he had meant me harm then he had had plenty of time in which to take advantage of my weakened state, and it was hard to imagine the comforting figure that had provided me shelter and clean clothes as a potential threat. I decided then that I would thank the man for his kindness and leave and work out what to do later, once I had cleared my thought or gained some knowledge.

Gratefully I donned the clothing and headed downstairs, tucking my diary within my shirt. I met Benolt again as I descended into the hallway. He stood, facing away towards a mirror in the hallway, focusing intently on his reflection. He heard me coming and before I could utter a word said to me in a gruff monotone “Well, I expect you'll be wanting something to eat” and disappeared into an adjoining room before I could comment. I followed him, focusing on my words to be careful not to give myself away. As I approached the door I realised that I would not be able to eat whatever breakfast this man intended to give me but by then it was too late, I was already at the doorway and he was focusing on me intently.
  The room was a small kitchen with a gas cooker and surfaces surrounding most of the wall space, with every other space above and below containing wooden shelves and cupboards, aged with use. Benolt sat at the kitchen table reading a newspaper and sipping an unidentifiable liquid from a battered mug. Directly opposite was an empty chair, which he motioned me to take. I took it, feeling alien in this confined space, filled with a heavy atmosphere of cooking and brewing. Behind me, the television, situated on a small wall stand just above head height as I entered the room, relayed the mornings news. “...and our local stories tonight, police report a large, wolf-life creature may be loose on the streets of Gableton after a man reported last night that an unidentified 'Fanged' creature broke through a five-inch solid oak door, splintering it to pieces. The local police force released an official statement today which highlighted the need for increased vigilance in the area and warned anyone who sees the beast to...” Benolt was staring at me intently. I knew instinctively that he knew, but stared back – refusing to show weakness.
  Eventually he grunted, reaching down beside his left leg without breaking his stare. He leaned back slowly and brought up a long tube like object and laid it on the table in front of him. The object was a twin-barrelled sawn-off shotgun, both barrels staring straight at me, more menacing then even Benolts cold stare. I recoiled in shock, chair skidding backwards behind me, weighing up my chances of escaping before he could grab the trigger and shoot me. “Easy, lad,” came his quiet, measured and focused voice. “This thing isn't for you, it's for me. I have to make sure you're not one of [i]them.[/i]”
  “Them?” I replied. He nodded solemnly, disregarding my incomprehension.
  “Sit down,” he said, tone clear and gentle but his eyes, sharp and piercing, never leaving me. At once I felt the urge to disappear, I could feel the slight tingle I had felt in my bedroom as I had hidden from my mother. I could almost feel it, if I just stepped backwards I could disappear, be removed from the world and escape Benolt.
  “Don't even try it,” he said, as if reading my mind. His eyes still like snakes, never blinking in all this time. I decided that if he had meant to shoot me he would have done so by now and so, slowly picked up the chair and sat on it.
  “Good. Don't think you can fool me by thinking that I don't know exactly what I am dealing with here,” he said. Damn his eyes were like magnets, never drifting, never focusing on anything but me.
  “What do you want?,” I asked, all pretence of being 'normal' lost.
  “I'm here... to help,” he replied.
  “Is this how you normally help your guests?” I replied, my nerves giving me bravado.
  “Saving their lives? No,” he said evenly.
  “I would have been fine without you,” I said with injured pride.
  “Hah, you're all alike you lot. 'kin'.” He spat the last word.
  “What?”
  “Oh I know all about you, vampire.”
  “How?” I asked, genuinely curious how he could be so open to the concept.
  “Not all people are as ignorant as you, childe,*” he said. [*A term I later discovered was a patronising term for inexperienced or young vampires.] “I guess we'll have to do this the long way then. Firstly there's the blood, no one human could survive losing that much blood, unless of course they had found some hapless victim from which to leach some from first.” His voice full of his obvious distaste for vampire. “Secondly there's the drink I gave you last night.” My mind flashed back to the glass forced into my hand. “Yup, human blood. Not mine of course but human all the same.” I realised he must be speaking the truth, anything else I would have been forced to spit up again. “Then of course there's the story.” He motioned with one hand towards the TV, keeping the other close to the ever present shotgun. “Now, correct me if I'm wrong but it seems someone may have had a problem with their loss of blood last night.”

It was all true, of course. I felt no need to deny it after this man had shown me every kindness in keeping me alive. “Why the shotgun?” I asked. “Surely if you knew all this you'd simply have shot me before?”
  “You should be glad it was me who found you!” he said, slightly more relaxed now. “There are those who would gladly bring final death to you for your antics last night... besides... I had to find out whether you were really you.”
  “Stop being cryptic.” I demanded. “What's this final death?”
  He squinted at me for a moment, almost as if he expected me to be telling a joke, then he laughed heartily. “So, you really are a complete greenhorn?” he chuckled to himself. I glared at him, face stinging from an irrational embarrassment.
  “Okay, greenhorn – this is how it works,” he said, for the first time removing his hand from the handle of the sawn-off. “So, you're dead. Some evil vicious biter dude came up to you and managed to separate you from your mortal coil, yada, yada, yada – but wait! Life's not over for you sorry bastard yet. Instead of that heaven you were promised so much in Sunday school you now find yourself waking up dead, and what's the first thing you do? Why, celebrate by spreading your pain amongst the rest of the human race.” He paused, waiting for me to digest all this. “The fact is, you're dead. You're body just hasn't given up living yet. Your soul has decided it'll hang around for how ever long you're body needs it but there isn't any real way you can truly live as you are, the only problem being that the alternative is an eternity as satan's shoe-shine boy. So instead, your kine** hang around living out pitiful existences in the mortal realm and generally making everyone else's lives a misery. [**Refers to “kindred” or the vampire name for vampires.] Of course, some wacko only has to come up and start building a religion around it and suddenly you have mass groups of warring vampires with all the normal people stuck in between.”
  Pausing, Benolt took a big sip of the mysterious liquid in his mug before continuing. “But the thing about being a vicious, leaching shell of a human being is that vampires, for some strange and ineffable reason, are given 'supernatural' powers. Make no mistake, boy, you are cursed. No more early sunrises for you... unless of course you wish them to be your last... let's see, you've got, mirrors, food and of course vampire hunters to worry about but they will be the least of your worries compared to the big one.” From the look on his face I could tell he felt pained by his next words. “There are many names by which it is called but the one I find most fits the curse is 'Beast'. Yeah, I can see from your expression you know exactly what I'm talking about. That evil feeling that rises up out of you and controls you against your will... nasty stuff... and that, boy, is the reason for Betty here,” he said, tapping the sawn-off gently. “No offence, kid, but when the beast takes a vampire, I put them down. You're lucky I found you because the others wouldn't have given you the chance to wake up.”
  I felt some thanks was necessary and started to speak but he cut me off. “Save it kid, just because you survived through sheer luck doesn't mean you aren't still vulnerable to the beast, and if you had killed a human being I would not have thought twice about sending you down.”
  Suddenly a thought struck me and I blurted it out before I could stop myself. “How do you know all this?” I asked.
  He glanced at me, taken aback by my question. After a moment he answered. “You'll find out soon enough anyway... It was my wife...” His eyes went slightly glazed as he threw his head back in memory. “She was beautiful, and not that fake kind of beautiful you find in all those magazines kids your age are obsessed about. No, she had a will of fire, her personality burned through those around her. She could lead whole legions for miles and still convince them to fight afterwards. She was a fighter, through and through. Unfortunately she was also cursed by the worst luck. She had never moved far through life, her father an uncouth madman and her mother a reclusive hag, obsessed by beauty and despising her daughter even more for her looks. She had left home early in her life and I met her at a public school not long after she had left. I was one year her senior and showed her the ropes, gradually we fell in love, I, attracted by her sharp mind and looks and her by my confidence in the world and determination. We made an unbeatable pair, until bad luck struck her once again. We had just become engaged a few days before when I heard she had been mugged and suffered terrible cuts around her head. She had lost a lot of blood and the hospital staff could do nothing. She had been found by a close friend of mine who I shall not name but who I had had utmost trust in.”
  “She had been lying there, unconscious, for some time before the doctors left us to say goodbye. It was then my friend had come over and laid a hand on my shoulder. 'I can fix her,' he said to me. 'But she will be changed.' I looked at him, unbelieving that he could succeed where the doctors had not, but the thin shred of hope he had given me burned brighter than any love I had felt before. 'Please.' I begged. He nodded solemnly and unbuttoned a wrist cuff. He dragged one finger along the inside of his wrist, cutting the skin finely and letting blood seep out onto his pale skin. I watched wordlessly as he brought his wrist up to my beloveds mouth and fed her his blood. She took it gladly, even unconscious I could see her reacting to the blood. Almost instantly she stirred. He quickly hid his wrist, covering it with his wrist cuff again, the blood seemingly stopped as suddenly as it had started. Amazed I looked on, as she woke, against all probability after all doctors had presumed her lost. 'Thank you!' I said to my friend. He just nodded jerkily – as if regretting what he had done already for some unknown reason. It was only after then I learned he was a vampire. She acted strange for days afterwards. Her wounds healed so quickly she was allowed to leave after only a day of observation and we were married soon after. They had called it a miracle at the time.”
  “But something had changed. She was still beautiful and smart but something seemed to be bothering her, many times I found her nervously itching her wrist or biting at her nails. Eventually she came to me and said 'I talked to the doctors, they say that there was some other guy who found me and brought me in.' It was the first time she'd talked about the mugging.
  'Yes?' I asked.
  'Who was he?'
  'Just a friend from work,' I lied, I had really met him long before I had even met her.
  'Could I meet him? I would really like to thank him.' She asked me.”
  “Of course, I could make no reasonable excuse but I was content not to ask him how he had saved her. My biggest fear was that she would bug him about it till he told her, it was just the way her mind worked sometimes. Against my better judgement I took her to meet him properly. I remember his face as he saw her, somewhere a mix between bewilderment and terror and something else... guilt.”
  Benolt returned to the present with a jolt, no longer wistful and remorseful. “See, vampires are an abomination – no two ways about it. Vampires natural state of being is against the flow of nature, their every move breaks the natural chain of death and life. I see now that she should have died right then and there on that hospital bed, it was not my place to ask him to interfere – nor was it his place to offer, a decision he regretted instantly. When vampires feed a human their blood it fills them, it gives them a huge high. Suddenly your body is quicker, more agile and your senses sharper. You no longer feel pain from the injuries of daily life and all major wounds heal almost instantly. The only drawback to this miraculous, chivalrous and kind act is that the effected human instantly becomes a slave to the vampire. Your kin call them ghouls, slaves by blood who will do anything for another high. Giving her the blood on her deathbed was simultaneously turning her into a drug addict and a slave for life. Of course as soon as I learned all this I instantly blamed my friend... I didn't want to believe it was my fault, my desperate – selfish need to see her smile one more time that had caused her to become this way.”
  “I left shouting at him and dragging her away, like some sort of injured goods. We didn't talk for weeks after but she kept asking to see him, reasoning that he might be able to undo what he had done. I suspected that the only way to undo what he had done would be to kill her, and I was still not prepared to sentence her to death, not after already almost losing her. Eventually I caved and visited him once more. He had changed considerably, gone was his boyish confidence and brash certainty in the world. Instead he seemed to have embarked on a self-imposed penance for him crime, though salvation was far beyond his kind. I didn't want to hear any of his words. I left my wife to talk to him and try to work things out themselves. I still couldn't bare to take any responsibility. As I had feared there was no cure to her torture. The craving was permanent. There was one alternative, however. The only thing that would allow her to escape the slavery was to become one of [i]them[/i],” again he spat the word. “A vampire?! My wife? How could I allow that? But in the end I had no choice. She left me a message saying she would be back and could love me again but she was gone. I knew it was pointless to pursue, they had probably decided to do it somewhere miles away from anywhere. 'The embrace' they called it... almost like a kiss, or hug. How could I be happy with that?”
  Benolt sighed emphatically, mug discarded long ago on the dry tabletop, and the only sound the cramped kitchen his steady breathing and the tick of an ancient clock. “She didn't deserve that fate. It would, truly have been better for her to die back then, when she was still pure. Man will do anything to escape death, even sell their own souls and minds simply to stay alive. She had traded her humanity for my mistake. I had cursed her just as the embrace would. As a vampire, her sire*** would hold some amount of control but separated from him she would be her own person again. [***The vampire who performs the Embrace] She must have felt she had no choice. She wasn't ready for what being a vampire would be really like. She was a day-time person, through and through. She could not stand the darkness and felt fearful at night. She never truly thought about the changes in her body and detested how it effected her but these were minor problems compared to the beast. That barbaric madness, coiled around her heart in some horrific ritual, always influencing her. She swore to me she could control it but she would not feed. I told her she must feed, for it was the price to continue living but she could not. Her instinct was not one of war, she could not for fear of killing. Eventually it overtook her, she grew frail within days and struck out madly for no apparent reason. It was an odd sort of madness, caused by her body simply living out it's meagre supply of life force.”
  “Eventually she lost all control. She took off one night, rampaging through the streets. Her fasting had left her so thirsty that there was no certainty that one human life would sate her. I had warned my friend that she had not been feeding and he had been ready for just such an occasion. We drove around in a large truck for only a few minutes before we found her, stalking a lone human – some drunkard from the local pub. My friend motioned me to follow and handed me this shotgun” He motioned the sawn-off. “I remember he told me 'aim for the eyes, don't hesitate.' Nothing could have prepared me for the sight I saw though. She was not even recognisable, just a monster. She hissed at us, huge white fangs like daggers from her mouth. She moved insanely quick, in seconds she had charged us and brought my friend to his knees, despite the fact he was an older, stronger vampire. I focused the sights of the shotgun on her, unable to pull the trigger. She was completely overtaken and all thoughts of outside threats lost, she pulled my friend up by his collar and made to bite him. This I couldn't allow. I knew that once she had started she would not stop till he was dead. I cursed myself for accepting his offer so long before, that now I would have to save his life from our joint mistake – no longer could I blame him. I shot her, point blank. She never stood a chance.”
  After a few moments to let this sink in and Benolt to calm himself, I said “But I thought vampires were immortal?”
  “Immortal yes, invincible no. Anatomically vampires are no different to humans, apart from the inability to digest anything but blood. The only notable difference is the healing power of their cursed blood and inhuman strength. The critical spots are still there though, you get shot, stabbed or otherwise mutilated in the heart, neck or head there's a good chance you will die, in fact – if your neck had been broken and not healed properly you wouldn't be talking to me right now.”
  “Death for vampires is much different to death for humans though, Vampires suffer a unique problem to their condition. A vampire can, technically, survive even a blow to the heart – even from the infamous wooden stake, but without the heart a vampire cannot live. Instead, if a vampire is struck through the heart they enter a sort of coma. This means, if the heart is allowed to beat again and the vampire doesn't lose all their blood they can still live. Unfortunately for the kindred, being hit in the brain or having the spinal cord broken almost always results in final death. Final death is the vampire equivalent to death – the thin strands of power holding vampires together disperse and the body is left an empty shell, or, more often – a pile of dust. A vampires immortality comes simply from the power of fresh blood holding old bones and organs together. Without their power, most old vampires simply turn to dust then and there. Younger vampires leave more substantial corpses, but still corrode quickly. The corruption effects ever part of a kine's body.”
  “Then what do I do now?” I asked. “You said there were others, like you. Will they be hunting me?”
  “Nah, don't worry. I sent the word out long ago that I'd found you,” Benolt answered. “Your sire is probably in more trouble than you, speaking of which – do you know who your sire was?”
  “The person who cursed me? I don't know his full name, and it's probably not his true name but he was known as 'Hail'”
  “Hmmm... interesting.” Said Benolt, and paused a moment before continuing. “Well, it looks like he didn't do a very good job of introducing you to this world, letting you almost get killed on your first few days? If you want my advice you should probably avoid his lot. What I don't get is what he saw in you. There's very few things that attract a family of that status... regardless, if you wish it I can offer you temporary accommodation here, just till this settles down and you learn about your new life.”
  “What about my parents?” I blurted out, the first time I'd even thought of them since leaving. I guess I had been putting off the idea of leaving home, and had somehow assumed I'd find a way to end up back there.
  “Listen kid,” Benolt said, his tone suddenly consoling and even. “Your past life is behind you now. I've seen devout Christians and important business-men turned and watched them abandon everything. Fact is – your parents are unlikely to accept what you are now, and even if they were – even us non-vampires are bound by the masquerade. I'm only still alive because I helped protect it in killing my wife. There are few who know as much about vampirism than me - even in the vampire communities – but there are no other humans who's experience of vampires passes the receiving end. Vampires treasure their secrets and guard them against all. Vampires who break the masquerade and openly attack humans and show their unnatural abilities to mortals are dealt with harshly. Vampires are predatory in nature, and it does not bode well to upset the sheep – after all, the kindred are only all-powerful during the night.”
  “The fact is, every new vampire has to leave their past lives behind by necessity. Few people can accept what a vampire is and what they stand for, and even fewer can keep a secret. Many, if they knew, would engineer an army, and with the weapons available to the modern world most vampires wouldn't stand a chance. Mass extermination is something your kin would like to avoid.”
  I nodded dumbly. All of this was quite overwhelming. I glanced at the clock and realise we had been talking for half the night already. Benolt noticed this and said “Best thing for you to do now is take some of this.” He withdrew a vial of crimson blood from one of his pockets. “Try to relax today. You went through a lot yesterday and this must all be coming as quite a shock. Tomorrow I'll show you a few things first hand, then we'll see about getting you a meeting with the Prince.”

So now I rest. My past life slipping away, and in it's place an unfamiliar house and the promise of a whole new world, in which I have undoubtedly broken many major laws in already. I wonder if my parents are missing me, whether they're worried. I wonder if I should visit them sometime, just to let them know I'm ok, but no – if I am to survive here it is best I learn these rules and follow them, at least for the time being. I believe I can trust Benolt to have my best interests at heart, despite his stance towards vampires. I get the feeling there is something he's not telling me though. Regardless, he's my best link to this new world and, short of visiting Hail, the only person I can ask for advice.